I honestly don’t even know where to start. A mess of contradicting thoughts and feelings swirl around in my brain, screaming, whispering, winking, scolding, spluttering, and sighing. I suddenly feel confused and frustrated about where I am and what I’m doing. Why am I here? What made me think that this was a good idea? How did youthful notions of indestructibility cater to waving off the 7 months of hobbit-hood so nonchalantly? Everyday I fight the seed of unhappiness that threatens to take root in my heart and mind. Deep down I know I love what I’m doing, that I do best under pressure, that it wasn’t until recently that I began to feel stressed, and that making myself uncomfortable like this is an incredibly effective form of learning. I also know that while I would love to go home, see my smiling friends, and get hugs from mom and pop, I wouldn’t be content with quitting, with settling because I’m just so plain worn-out, and exhausted. Did you get that?! I’m effing TIRED. Tired because of such dramatic cultural differences that I can’t be myself, having to assimilate into social norms, second-guessing every movement, every outfit, and every smile, that because of the language barrier I am completely ignorant of what people are saying around me. It makes me feel vulnerable. Isolated. Lonesome.
And THAT I think is a key realization: that without being surrounded by people I love and that love me, I’m not completely happy. That I must be hugged everyday. I am sustained only so far by my own life, and must take joy in sharing and celebrating with my friends and family…with people that actually KNOW me. There are many professionals who can put aside love for careers…I’m not sure I’m one of them. That doesn’t mean I lose sight of my goals…just find a compromise.
In any case, to get back where I started this thought process, I know every person at some point goes through what I'm going through now.
I know it's normal.
But DAMN. I hate admitting it!
Despite all that I've seen and experienced over the last few months in Zimbabwe, I think these feelings of uncertainty have fostered contradicting desires. And that has completely suprised me...
I didn't really think I'd need home. I didn't really think I'd need my friends. I pretty much figured I'd depend soley on myself, push myself and challenge the strength of my character/resolve to last the 6 months away from all that is familiar. What hurts can make you stronger, right?
But of course, this just goes to show that just when you think you know who you are, what you want, and where you're going, you are reminded of how fallible you truly are.
I love you, my darling.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first log I've read of your blog. The passage prompted me to ensure that your realize how good of a writer you are. You're a damn good writer. But you're not just a good writer because of your syntax and excellently framed fragments. You're an excellent writer because of your heart. You pour in so much of your dreams and vulnerability and learning process into your words that I feel them directly. I want to give you a hug.
Reading this helped me today. I've been feeling lonely. And I'm not even in a foreign country! So your feelings described here have pepped me up to be stronger, since you're enduring greater hardships than me. But your feelings have also given me permission, it feels like, to be enveloped in the darkness that comes with being alone. My light is somewhere, as is yours, Karina. It's close by.
With love,
Sara Jo