Treatise to Myself

I recently was going through some boxes of school stuff over winter break and came across a pleasant surprise: a dogeared piece of notebook paper, haphazardly slipped between copies of rough draft essays and class notes. The minute I saw the heading, and scrawled handwriting, a small smile broke, and I began to read this letter to myself that I had forgotten.

The Bistro!

I wrote this list to myself a year ago in the Bistro in the midst of a huge life transition. I found myself stewing and stressing, feeling incredibly overwhelmed, miserable, and frustrated with being yanked back into the Willamette bubble. I was unsure about the future, missing the past, and apathetic about the present. Then, in a sweeping impulse, I decided that I had had enough. It was time to make a change. I call it my personal treatise, and I return to it now a year later, I think a healthier, wiser, happier human being. Here it goes:

Treatise to Myself

1. I can do anything
2. I can choose what is best for me
3. I can recognize my limitations
4. I can recognize my needs, and demand that I respect them
5. I have the right to be happy
6. I have the right to express myself
7. I have an obligation to do what feels right and just, rather than what is asked or expected 
8. I will always follow my gut/instinct
9. I will always treat people how I wish to be treated
10. I will not be burdened by the ambiguity of the future
11. I will act foremost out of love
12. I will be patient with myself and with others
13. I will always try to see things from other points of view
14. I will rarely condone absolutism or "all or nothing" ways of thinking
15. I will surround myself with people that I love, love me, or challenge me to be my best
16. I will remind myself that there is rarely a "right" way, but rather different paths to the same thing
17. I will write candidly and allow my views and voice to explore and change
18. I will relish the contradictions in life, and understand that such contradictions aren't necessarily mutually exclusive
19. I will serve others, but also myself
20. I will not fear what I do not understand
21. I will live a life of adventure without regret!

ELATION

Just received an email this morning from my Peace Corps handler, Joseph, and I have some exciting news! I've been officially invited to serve as a secondary school teacher in Africa and will depart in late September 2012!!!!!!!

I was starting to think that this dream would be stuck in the processing stage forever, although my application process took only 8 months compared to the standard 9-12 months. As it stands now, I only have to wait a maximum of ten more days to open my informational packet that will tell me of my specific country assignment.

This feels so unreal. I'm absolutely ELATED to be going to "Africa," and while that atrocious hyper-generalization will forever annoy me (considering that there's no way to conceptualize the diversity of an entire continent, let alone countries, peoples, and cultures lying within), I think back to my time in Zimbabwe and I'm THRILLED that I'll be able to live another piece of the African experience. I'm assuming I'll probably go to southern or eastern Africa since I don't know a lick of French (which would send me to Western Africa...boo, colonialism), but WHO KNOWS?? I could theoretically end up in any one of these 27 host-countries:

I guess you could say that I have a perverse attraction to not knowing what's going to happen next.

Which reminds me - I have absolutely NO PLANS for the summer. I've been planning for a July departure date, which would have allowed me six leisurely weeks before I jumped on a plane, but now I have four whole months of summer!! Joseph encouraged me in his email to continue pursuing teaching opportunities. He also advised that once I discover where I've been placed, to begin studying the local language. 

You thinking what I'm thinking?! How about another summer in Portland, taking Swahili classes at PSU and rowing everyday in the beautiful Oregon summer! Or even going backpacking on weekends at Hood and Rainier, and maybe even taking a mountaineering course???? Maybe get a job?? The possibilities are endless! 

Let me tell you though, it feels good that I won't have to say so many incredibly hard goodbyes and then rush off into the sunset immediately after graduation. I'll have some time to process the last four years and prepare myself for the next two of service abroad. In the big scheme of things a departure date two months later than expected will not be a big deal. In fact, I think is the better outcome.

I'm just thankful I had the patience to sit on my hands long enough for things to work themselves out :)

Now, onwards and upwards!! 

Hiking Mt. Inyangani - Nyanga, Zimbabwe (2010)

Chocolate & Girl-talk

Singledom has once again alighted upon both women of the freezing Inferno.  The event was observed and/or celebrated accordingly tonight with respectable amounts of baking, chocolate, and girl talk.  I'm talking freshly baked lava cakes people. And lots of hilarious inside-joke-quotes-for-the-quote-wall type of night. I'm the happiest I've been for a while.

Despite my overarching optimism in life, experience has bestowed upon me a sizable streak of realism when it comes to relationships. After one of the most candid talks we've had in months (how ironic), Peter and I called it quits. I can't help but feel overwhelming relief - like all the anxieties and imbalances that had latched themselves to me over the last seven months, fell away and left me whole again.

Yes, I shed a few tears. Yes, I'm definitely going to miss the better parts of our relationship. The fun times we did share really made up for the not-so-great ones, and kept me hoping that things would get better. But ultimately, we both couldn't make each other an important enough priority in the scheme of being second semester seniors - theses, opposing crew workout schedules, jobs, rehearsals, etc. Life in general left us out of step with each other. Things that we always talked about doing never happened. Times that we could have hung out together were used to catch up on much needed alone time. And frankly, with both of our post-grad departures looming on the horizon, neither of us could see the light at the end of the tunnel - a reason/sliver of hope that could have helped us continue justifying our attempted maneuvers within the difficult confines of our given situation. 

There were other issues too of course, but they'll remain unmentioned.

It does make me wonder though. I know I want to be in a loving relationship with a partner one day (thanks to the awesome example of my parents)...but will there ever be someone out there that will fit in with the high-flying sights of my own individual ambitions? Will I have to match myself up with someone exactly like me? With the same type of career interests? Or someone with a career flexible enough that they can follow me across the world on my various adventures/foreign assignments?  I know it's too early to be actually worried about this kind of thing, but it is interesting to think about. Funnily enough, the Peace Corps just sent me another email asking if "there were any updates in my romantic involvement?" which essentially means "are you in a relationship that could potentially compromise our investment in you as a volunteer?" 

Apparently, companionship - and our human desire, or should I say craving for it - is not something to just ignore or dismiss as a luxury. It is a necessity. 

And so, as I find myself once again a single lady I'm surrounding myself with my wonderful wing-women who continue to stick by my side through thick and thin. It's their energy that will power me, encourage, and motivate me through the next seven weeks of insanity until graduation. Pretty soon we'll be all scattered to the winds. My heart aches at the thought, but for now, the chocolate and girl-talk meanders freely as we cluster ourselves around the heater and laugh until our bodies hurt. Now that is love.

"I can't, I have crew..."

For being such a huge part of my life, I haven't really taken the opportunity to write about my four year obsession with rowing. That is definitely a problem considering its taken over my brain, body, and heart. My love of team and my sport drive me through 5am wakeups, marathon erg pieces, and brutal, thigh busting, blackout inducing 2k races. It's what I live for.

So, "what is rowing all about?"you may ask. Sadly, I've realized that I'm too busy thesising to write something long and eloquent tonight, but here are some memes that sum it all up pretty well ;) Rowing will be a post saved for another day when I'm not actually on the water.

As always, pull hard, go fast!

Seuss-isms

Here's a quick shout out to Dr. Seuss because it's his birthday today! The wizard of wit, lord of limmerick reigned over my childhood bedtime stories alongside Laura Ingalls Wilder and Caddie Woodlawn. Yet, while such women sparked my fascination in sheroes that slay their own dragons - especially without the "help" of Prince Charming - my hunch is that Dr. Seuss set the foundation for my love of words (and wordplay!)

Just found this short stanza, and loved it. Compatible, mutual weirdness sounds great to me :) 

Good night world.