Treatise to Myself

I recently was going through some boxes of school stuff over winter break and came across a pleasant surprise: a dogeared piece of notebook paper, haphazardly slipped between copies of rough draft essays and class notes. The minute I saw the heading, and scrawled handwriting, a small smile broke, and I began to read this letter to myself that I had forgotten.

The Bistro!

I wrote this list to myself a year ago in the Bistro in the midst of a huge life transition. I found myself stewing and stressing, feeling incredibly overwhelmed, miserable, and frustrated with being yanked back into the Willamette bubble. I was unsure about the future, missing the past, and apathetic about the present. Then, in a sweeping impulse, I decided that I had had enough. It was time to make a change. I call it my personal treatise, and I return to it now a year later, I think a healthier, wiser, happier human being. Here it goes:

Treatise to Myself

1. I can do anything
2. I can choose what is best for me
3. I can recognize my limitations
4. I can recognize my needs, and demand that I respect them
5. I have the right to be happy
6. I have the right to express myself
7. I have an obligation to do what feels right and just, rather than what is asked or expected 
8. I will always follow my gut/instinct
9. I will always treat people how I wish to be treated
10. I will not be burdened by the ambiguity of the future
11. I will act foremost out of love
12. I will be patient with myself and with others
13. I will always try to see things from other points of view
14. I will rarely condone absolutism or "all or nothing" ways of thinking
15. I will surround myself with people that I love, love me, or challenge me to be my best
16. I will remind myself that there is rarely a "right" way, but rather different paths to the same thing
17. I will write candidly and allow my views and voice to explore and change
18. I will relish the contradictions in life, and understand that such contradictions aren't necessarily mutually exclusive
19. I will serve others, but also myself
20. I will not fear what I do not understand
21. I will live a life of adventure without regret!

ELATION

Just received an email this morning from my Peace Corps handler, Joseph, and I have some exciting news! I've been officially invited to serve as a secondary school teacher in Africa and will depart in late September 2012!!!!!!!

I was starting to think that this dream would be stuck in the processing stage forever, although my application process took only 8 months compared to the standard 9-12 months. As it stands now, I only have to wait a maximum of ten more days to open my informational packet that will tell me of my specific country assignment.

This feels so unreal. I'm absolutely ELATED to be going to "Africa," and while that atrocious hyper-generalization will forever annoy me (considering that there's no way to conceptualize the diversity of an entire continent, let alone countries, peoples, and cultures lying within), I think back to my time in Zimbabwe and I'm THRILLED that I'll be able to live another piece of the African experience. I'm assuming I'll probably go to southern or eastern Africa since I don't know a lick of French (which would send me to Western Africa...boo, colonialism), but WHO KNOWS?? I could theoretically end up in any one of these 27 host-countries:

I guess you could say that I have a perverse attraction to not knowing what's going to happen next.

Which reminds me - I have absolutely NO PLANS for the summer. I've been planning for a July departure date, which would have allowed me six leisurely weeks before I jumped on a plane, but now I have four whole months of summer!! Joseph encouraged me in his email to continue pursuing teaching opportunities. He also advised that once I discover where I've been placed, to begin studying the local language. 

You thinking what I'm thinking?! How about another summer in Portland, taking Swahili classes at PSU and rowing everyday in the beautiful Oregon summer! Or even going backpacking on weekends at Hood and Rainier, and maybe even taking a mountaineering course???? Maybe get a job?? The possibilities are endless! 

Let me tell you though, it feels good that I won't have to say so many incredibly hard goodbyes and then rush off into the sunset immediately after graduation. I'll have some time to process the last four years and prepare myself for the next two of service abroad. In the big scheme of things a departure date two months later than expected will not be a big deal. In fact, I think is the better outcome.

I'm just thankful I had the patience to sit on my hands long enough for things to work themselves out :)

Now, onwards and upwards!! 

Hiking Mt. Inyangani - Nyanga, Zimbabwe (2010)

Chocolate & Girl-talk

Singledom has once again alighted upon both women of the freezing Inferno.  The event was observed and/or celebrated accordingly tonight with respectable amounts of baking, chocolate, and girl talk.  I'm talking freshly baked lava cakes people. And lots of hilarious inside-joke-quotes-for-the-quote-wall type of night. I'm the happiest I've been for a while.

Despite my overarching optimism in life, experience has bestowed upon me a sizable streak of realism when it comes to relationships. After one of the most candid talks we've had in months (how ironic), Peter and I called it quits. I can't help but feel overwhelming relief - like all the anxieties and imbalances that had latched themselves to me over the last seven months, fell away and left me whole again.

Yes, I shed a few tears. Yes, I'm definitely going to miss the better parts of our relationship. The fun times we did share really made up for the not-so-great ones, and kept me hoping that things would get better. But ultimately, we both couldn't make each other an important enough priority in the scheme of being second semester seniors - theses, opposing crew workout schedules, jobs, rehearsals, etc. Life in general left us out of step with each other. Things that we always talked about doing never happened. Times that we could have hung out together were used to catch up on much needed alone time. And frankly, with both of our post-grad departures looming on the horizon, neither of us could see the light at the end of the tunnel - a reason/sliver of hope that could have helped us continue justifying our attempted maneuvers within the difficult confines of our given situation. 

There were other issues too of course, but they'll remain unmentioned.

It does make me wonder though. I know I want to be in a loving relationship with a partner one day (thanks to the awesome example of my parents)...but will there ever be someone out there that will fit in with the high-flying sights of my own individual ambitions? Will I have to match myself up with someone exactly like me? With the same type of career interests? Or someone with a career flexible enough that they can follow me across the world on my various adventures/foreign assignments?  I know it's too early to be actually worried about this kind of thing, but it is interesting to think about. Funnily enough, the Peace Corps just sent me another email asking if "there were any updates in my romantic involvement?" which essentially means "are you in a relationship that could potentially compromise our investment in you as a volunteer?" 

Apparently, companionship - and our human desire, or should I say craving for it - is not something to just ignore or dismiss as a luxury. It is a necessity. 

And so, as I find myself once again a single lady I'm surrounding myself with my wonderful wing-women who continue to stick by my side through thick and thin. It's their energy that will power me, encourage, and motivate me through the next seven weeks of insanity until graduation. Pretty soon we'll be all scattered to the winds. My heart aches at the thought, but for now, the chocolate and girl-talk meanders freely as we cluster ourselves around the heater and laugh until our bodies hurt. Now that is love.

"I can't, I have crew..."

For being such a huge part of my life, I haven't really taken the opportunity to write about my four year obsession with rowing. That is definitely a problem considering its taken over my brain, body, and heart. My love of team and my sport drive me through 5am wakeups, marathon erg pieces, and brutal, thigh busting, blackout inducing 2k races. It's what I live for.

So, "what is rowing all about?"you may ask. Sadly, I've realized that I'm too busy thesising to write something long and eloquent tonight, but here are some memes that sum it all up pretty well ;) Rowing will be a post saved for another day when I'm not actually on the water.

As always, pull hard, go fast!

Seuss-isms

Here's a quick shout out to Dr. Seuss because it's his birthday today! The wizard of wit, lord of limmerick reigned over my childhood bedtime stories alongside Laura Ingalls Wilder and Caddie Woodlawn. Yet, while such women sparked my fascination in sheroes that slay their own dragons - especially without the "help" of Prince Charming - my hunch is that Dr. Seuss set the foundation for my love of words (and wordplay!)

Just found this short stanza, and loved it. Compatible, mutual weirdness sounds great to me :) 

Good night world.

The Commitment-phobe's Dilemma

One word: "commitment-phobe." If you don't know what I'm talking about, Urbandictionary provides an artful definition that may prove helpful.

Commitment-phobia is a thing that plagues my generation, and is embodied in numerous forms from relationships to casual arrangements in which people are "committed" to something, but only until something better comes along. Seeing it positively, I call commitment-phobia, "being flexible." My parents frustratingly call it "rude" and "inconsiderate."

Either way, I'm sure this not-so-rare disorder probably includes you.

And it definitely means me.

Exhibit A - the stereotypical model  

Although have no fear! This will not be a post about romantic endeavors gone awry (despite the abundance of material), nor will it be one complaining about people's inability to live up to their word. These would all be much too serious topics that would take away from the cheeky demeanor that has engulfed me at the moment.

Rather, this is a post about stickers - the bane of a slightly OCD, commitment-phobic college student, dealing with the closest epitome to a vow that I can comprehend at this stage in life.

This reflection stems from the fact that I got my new beautiful blue Nalgene in the mail today and have been hoarding stickers to plaster all over it. I've thought out the design...but therein lies the problem - I have to actually stick the stickers on the waterbottle.  Cue internal chaos:

"Nooooooooooooooo!!!! WHAT IF I MESS IT UP?! The bottle and the stickers will be ruined FOREVER! ahhhhhh!"

Exhibit B: the standard model

Overlooking my melodramatic enactments, here's the funny thing - I was describing this dilemma to my friend Matt, who I convinced to sit down and chat with me over a vanilla latte, and over the course of the three minute story-telling, numerous different people around us all jerked their heads over attentively, or began nodding somberly to themselves. I even got a few "OMGS TOTALLY!" from the random girl sitting next to us who felt so moved by my story that she joined the discussion.


Conclusion?

Stickers are a perfect metaphor for the many decisions we make in life. You can plan things out as much as you want, or you can make things up as you go. But one thing is for certain: you have to eventually peel the backs off the stickers in order to use them - an act that is apparently incredibly traumatic for my commitment-phobic generation.

And the question I always fall back on every time I learn something new about humanity, specifically Americans: We let these indecisive people (ourselves) vote?? All those "undecideds" unable to make a decision between the lesser of two evils until the last minute determine the fate of our country?

No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand-basket - we're too paralyzed by the potential that we might make the wrong decision or *gasp* FAIL that we don't take any action at all. We freeze right as we're about to stick the sticker, check the box, or take the first pencil stroke on a blank canvas.

It's that "this is it," moment that we should live for, take pride in, and feel good about. Whatever happens, that decision was ultimately yours, and as such have proven your ability to think and act not only for yourself, but acknowledge your impact on others.

Reclaim your word. Make it powerful. Make it decisive. Make it considerate. Make it true.

Phew! Time for me to fend off my own fears and plaster my waterbottle or risk looking like a hypocrit - the worst possible fate.  Me: 1           Commitment-phobe me: 0

Glad I got that over with ;)

Crazy is as crazy does

I'm limiting myself to just a short entry tonight. This will not be one of my waxing (or waning, if you tend toward the negative side of things in life) ramblings. I just know that I won't be able to sleep right away because of something I've just experienced. So what do I do? I write about it of course!

Anyways.

So I just finished watching Running the Sahara and it was AMAZING. Although the thought may have never crossed your mind, it is fascinating to watch 102 minutes of three male runners sweating, foot-abscess popping, and carbo-loading, mixed in of course with some stunning National Geographic filmography that almost makes running across the hottest, and third largest desert in the world look fun. FUN.

The point being is that these guys went through hell and back, making the 4,300-mile shuffle over the course of 110 days and some of the harshest conditions that make the Sahara's indestructible camels even cringe. Sand dunes that can reach almost 600 feet high. Duststorms that suffocate you, sending sand into your eyes, throat and lungs. And of course, a shortage of the most crucial element to human survival - water.

And the question remains: Why did they do it??

The movie trailer overs a sneak peak into the answers of the runners themselves, but I (surprise!) have my own ideas on the matter. 

This movie has me irked. Mostly I'm annoyed because I want to understand why things like this seem so impossible, why I don't even dream about doing crazy stuff like this at all.  Where's my imagination? Have I settled for the ordinary? The acceptable? The do-able? Where's the fun in that? Sure, I don't need to go out and run the Sahara desert, but c'mon let's face it, why don't more people tell me how freaking average I am?? No, seriously! We let ourselves slide on so much - take the easy ways out - let ourselves get distracted from going the extra miles. "I don't have time. I don't have money. I want to settle down..." blah, blah, blah.  Excuses, excuses.

When you get right down to it, excuses like that are sooooo boring!! When we say these things, what we're really saying is that we're not going to make the success of our dreams a priority. It's like we, as human beings, are collectively afraid (or lazy) of striving to fulfill our full potential. 

Now to be fair, if everyone was as crazy as these three guys, pursuing the impossible, well then where would our world be? Honestly, it's hard to imagine. It'd be so awesome, and probably incredibly chaotic... visions of incredibly enthusiastic goal-oriented creatures, devoiding the world of its stability

But anyways, I guess in all seriousness, it's astonishing to think of what we could achieve if we could overcome our huge mental blocks that prevent our bodies from making the impossible, possible on a regular basis. In the words of Thomas Edison, "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would astound ourselves."

I believe that any person should be able to change their lives any day of the year. You don't need a holiday, or an excuse to mix things up. Just do it. I know I will be re-evaluating my priorities and learning how to become most efficient and effective, especially having watched this movie in which three runners put in the miles ultimately to understand themselves and their potential for greatness.

Time to hit the trail, and if it makes me crazy so be it, but it'll be helluva lot more interesting than sitting around waiting for life to happen around me. NO EXCUSES.